Episode 67
Surviving the Loss of a Child (pt. 2)

Jill:
00:09

Charlie Welcome Charlie back to the Finding Hope podcast, getting through what you never asked for. We’re Charlie and Jill LeBlanc. And this is the second part of a series that we started last week about what happens when you lose a child. And I also wanted to mention that July, which is when this will be aired is Grieving Parents Awareness Month. So if you didn’t get to join us for last week, we just wanted to make you aware of that because there are lots of us out there.

Jill:
00:48

There are so many people that have lost children. And it’s interesting. Every now and then I’ll be I don’t do a whole lot on Facebook. But actually, what I do more than anything is get plant and flower advice. But I’m also in an algorithm on Facebook and on Instagram of people that have lost children and just have lost loved ones.

Jill:
01:16

And it’s, it’s so interesting. This lady I follow about gardening, out a post yesterday, and she shared how growing lavender has just helped her so much because she lost her husband years ago. And, and it was a little place where she could find respite just bringing life to something because it was so hard for her. And all these people starts commenting on that post. And I thought, you know, it makes people come out of the woodwork when someone acknowledges their pain or their loss.

Jill:
01:57

And it just brings out others to say, Hey, me too. I know what you’re going through because I went through that too. And it just helps people to feel like they’re not alone. And now we have a month in our honor, Grieving Parents Awareness Month. Yeah,

Charlie:
02:20

and you know, every time we minister in a church or at a Bible college or something, you know, we share this message and it’s just it’s just amazing how many people, will come up to us after and just say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Nobody talks about this. And, you know, there’s been a couple times where we’ve led worship in these big conferences and, and you know, Joe, one time you you made a statement about Bo and about worshiping the Lord with your loved ones who have passed.

Jill:
02:48

Mhmm.

Charlie:
02:49

And people just came up and said, thank you, that was the most powerful thing. And the and we were in England recently and I mentioned before we did glory to the lamb. Said, you know, we have loved ones in heaven all of you who have children or or loved ones in heaven in general. You know, can sing and worship Jesus in heaven with our loved ones. And again, just said, thank you, you, thank you.

Charlie:
03:13

So, you know, think one time you said, let’s pray for for everyone who has had a loss And we were at a big conference, and just raise your hand or stand up or something. And people, I mean, just all over the place. And they were so appreciative that Jill, recognized their loss because we recognize so much when we’re preaching and ministering in these big conferences, but we don’t realize the pain that some people are in from having losses. People are in a lot of pain in big conferences. Yeah.

Charlie:
03:45

A lot of different kinds of pain. But one of those pains is the loss of a loved one and maybe they recently lost someone and they just said, I’m going to go to that conference anyway. You did that shortly after you lost Bo. Yeah, it’s a tough journey. We can make it.

Charlie:
04:09

One lady just shortly after, well, several years ago now, she said, she emailed us and she said, How did you survive the loss of your son? It’s been almost a year for me now, and it’s really hitting me hard. I know she’s in heaven, but I also know in such a profound way that she’s no longer here. Wow. What a statement.

Charlie:
04:41

And I think that’s so, so powerful just to, and well put, that we know our loved ones in heaven, but we also know that they’re not here. And that’s the pain that we’re talking about. That’s the struggle. You know, we’re we rejoice over our loved ones being in heaven and so I say, well, praise the Lord, Charlie, both in heaven, you know. Well, hey, I’m rejoicing over both in heaven, but I’m trying to heal my own broken heart and my missing and my grief and my mourning that’s deep, deep, my shattered heart.

Charlie:
05:16

That’s what I’m trying to get healed. And my request is, will you help me? Will you shut up and help me? And I said that the last time that the old preacher said, show up and shut up. And you read a beautiful quote by a lady that said, you know, just close your mouth and just

Jill:
05:38

open wide your heart.

Charlie:
05:40

Yeah, open wide your heart until I see color Yeah,

Jill:
05:43

I see

Charlie:
05:44

color again. Beautiful, beautiful quote. We talked about how that everything is gray and dismal when you lose a loved one, especially losing a child or any loved one really. It’s gray and it’s dark and we need time so that we can see the color put back into our lives and into the portrait of our family, of our future, because really hope for the future is very dim when you lose a loved one. One And sweet widow told us that recently too, said, I was just hard finding hope that I was going to be able to make it, I would, how would I live, how would I survive, how would I financially survive, how would I being alone in my house by myself?

Charlie:
06:33

What’s it going to be like? Know, just finding hope. And, that’s why we call this podcast Finding Hope Getting Through What You Never Expected. And, we trust that this teaching that we do today of this conversation we have will help you in a lot of ways. So anyway, this lady said, Charlie, how did you survive?

Charlie:
06:54

And I love the fact that she used the word survival because really, for me, for us, and I think for you, that was my first thought is how am I going to survive this? It wasn’t like, how can I be victorious in this? It’s how throw me a life jacket. I’m in the middle of an ocean in a storm. Will you throw me a life jacket and just help me survive this?

Charlie:
07:21

Because in the beginning, you’re really not thinking about healing. You’re thinking, you’re just thinking about surviving. You’re just trying to breathe, in the next hour. You’re just trying to, how am I gonna get through this?

Jill:
07:34

Right.

Charlie:
07:34

Through the panic attacks, through the pain, through the difficulties. Yeah.

Jill:
07:39

Right. And what helped us wasn’t always the big answers.

Charlie:
07:45

Many

Jill:
07:46

times it was the small things. Like people who communicated without expecting an answer. They didn’t ask, how are you doing? You know, they just sent love. Or they just sent some affirmation of, you know, can’t imagine what you’re going through, but we’re holding you close in prayer.

Jill:
08:09

Or the people who didn’t rush us to just get over it. Or the people who would talk about Bo and say his name. That always brought such, I don’t know. I don’t want to say joy. And I don’t want to say peace.

Jill:
08:28

But it just did something to us. Just, it, it, it like blew a gentle breeze into our sails when someone would talk about Bo. Yeah. And I heard it said one time that when someone loses a child, one of the worst things is that their child would be forgotten as the years go on. So some people have gone to great lengths and set up memorials, either they bought a park bench or did some kind of a charity event in their child’s name or whatever.

Jill:
09:07

And that’s wonderful. But, know, that’s just something that parents deal with, especially those that may not know the Lord and have a reality of heaven in their heart. But people don’t want their child to be forgotten. So it means it meant a lot to us when someone would say his name and talk about him or tell us a story. And there were lots of funny stories people told us.

Jill:
09:35

My goodness. And over time, we learned something that we didn’t know in the beginning. And that grief isn’t something that you finish. There’s no getting through the grief process. It’s something that you carry.

Jill:
09:55

And it’s not weakness. We heard one pastor say, one of the hardest things about grief is not that your loved one is gone. But the love you still have for them doesn’t have a place to land. Yeah. And I had to stop and just think about that when I heard him say that, because that’s really powerful.

Jill:
10:18

And it’s not just about losing a child, but even losing a spouse, a sibling, a friend you’re really close to. That love just doesn’t, it just doesn’t have anywhere to go anymore, except just in your own mind and your own heart. And so what I do, I’ll pray for the family members of my friend, or pray for other people that are surrounding the one who’s lost their loved one, because that’s one way that I can show them love for my friend or whoever. Yeah.

Charlie:
10:58

And you know, we make it a point to put things on our calendar to remind us, you know.

Jill:
11:05

To remember others’

Charlie:
11:06

losses, you know, like we remember their birthdays, we put it on our calendar, and especially the day of their passing. And you know, not everybody, but we do our best. And so that, you know, if we’re not on Facebook that day and they happen to put something about it’s been five years now or four years, whatever, you know, then at least we still get an alarm that says, hey, this is the day that so and so lost their son or their daughter. And so we’ll just take a moment and send a little text. I know you, if you’ve lost someone, certainly would appreciate that.

Charlie:
11:44

And so it’s something you can actually do as well for others who have lost their child or lost a loved one. So, you know, want to talk a little bit about about scripture and about the Bible. And, you know, it’s like I had a hard time reading at first. In fact, I couldn’t read the red letters because we were expecting Bo to be healed, so many of Jesus’ words were about healing, healing the sick and raising the dead. And man thank God for that.

Charlie:
12:11

It’s just the Bible is amazing. The life of Jesus is amazing. The fact that we have, oneness with him and fellowship with him is absolutely amazing. But through this pain and torture and brokenness, my brain, I was so disappointed and I could not reconcile scripture, those types of scriptures. So I knew that Jesus heals broken hearts and I knew that he comforted those who mourn.

Charlie:
12:40

So that’s the that’s about the only thing I held on to. And one other scripture that said the disciples said Jesus, where else can we go? You have the words of eternal life. So I just held on to those simple things like Jill was talking about earlier. It wasn’t big things.

Charlie:
12:55

It was simple things that I held on to in scripture. Isaiah says that God gives words to comfort the weary. And I found once I finally got back into the Bible and started reading, I started seeing it in a new way and sort of seeing how much God loves the weary, how much He loves the hurting, how much He loves those who are in pain and grieving and mourning, and how much He loves the widows and the homeless and the poor, and the orphans. I mean, it’s just amazing. These things jump out of the page now.

Charlie:
13:32

But, you know, it’s just words that hold you when you can’t hold yourself. That’s what it is. It’s words that just seem to help you and pick you up when you can’t pick up yourself. I like how scripture relates to pain and it helps me realize that I’m not alone. I just started seeing Paul’s life.

Charlie:
13:54

I started seeing many great men of God and women of God in the old covenant where they went through horrific losses. They lost their children. They lost loved ones and they wept. They wept bitterly. And I love I was reading the Psalms this morning.

Charlie:
14:09

I just turned to the Psalms and just started reading. I’m like, wow, this is amazing. Psalms six says David said, I am weary with my groaning. He said, all night I make my bed swim. I drench my couch with tears.

Charlie:
14:27

My eye wastes away because of grief. I mean, that just, you know, when I was bawling my head off, I couldn’t stop crying. I went to my doctor and I said, Doctor, I can’t stop crying every day. I’ll just break and weep. And I said, Do you have anything for me?

Charlie:
14:48

And he actually said, Charlie, this is normal. This is healthy for you. Just go through this. Just hold on tight to Jesus. He said, But you don’t need drugs.

Charlie:
14:59

And so I appreciated that. We did take some help for sleeping at night because that’s from the nightmares and everything started. So we did take some sleeping pills at night to help us get a decent night’s sleep. But as far as antidepressants, we didn’t actually need them. We know a lot of precious saints that have used them and they did great through them and thank God because some people get very suicidal.

Charlie:
15:22

The anxiety is overwhelming. Like I said before, you deal with these anxiety attacks. We have our dear friend that lost her husband, I mean her whole jaw locked up, she was just paralyzed and it was terrible. So, back to what we said in the last podcast, this is not just an emotional thing. This affects your body, affects your brain, affects your heart, affects every part of you when you lose a child.

Charlie:
15:51

So another scripture that really blesses me a lot is when David said in First Samuel, said his men wept aloud until they had no more strength, to weep and and they they just put it all out there and the the New Living says they wept until they could weep no more And that’s boy, you’ve probably experienced that. I know we have just weeping and weeping until we just couldn’t weep anymore. And many times a good cry helped me. A good cry made me feel better. It would build up for days and I’d start getting really irritated and things were just weren’t I just didn’t know what was going on.

Charlie:
16:32

And I’d go into my study by myself and I’d just sit down and say, What’s wrong with me? And then all of a sudden I’d just break into tears and I’d realized it was grief. It was just the longing and the brokenness of my soul and my heart that was just growing and I just needed a good washing. A good cry just washes your soul sometimes and makes you feel better and that’s alright. So you know scripture can be a real comfort to you, can be a real help to you.

Charlie:
17:04

When I started reading about Paul’s pain and Paul’s difficulty, you know, prior to this I thought, well, if you’re a believer and if you love Jesus and if you’re in a word of if you’re in faith, you know, you’re gonna be able to avoid any problems, no difficulty’s gonna come near you, you know, you’re gonna be fine. And so when this happened, you make you feel like you’re out of faith, makes you feel like, What’s wrong with me? But that picture of Christianity, or even of a godly person, that nothing will go wrong with them is just not scriptural. Because if you really look at the Old Testament as well as the New Testament, godly men and women suffered very difficult things. David lost more than one son and he suffered the loss of a lot of people.

Charlie:
17:52

So many people, you know, wept over their parents. And, and we see, you know, we see Paul going through so much difficulty. One thing he said here in second Corinthians, he says, I think you ought to know brothers and I love that. I think you ought to know dear brothers and sisters about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it.

Charlie:
18:24

And I think some of you can relate to that and just be blessed and affirmed that Paul felt that too. There’s another scripture that Paul says that God saved a friend of his and he said lest I would have sorrow upon sorrow upon sorrow. Paul was very transparent about the fact that man, you know, I’ve been through a lot of difficulties and it hurts and I didn’t think I could make it. And, you know, if you’re feeling like you can’t make it, just know that Paul felt that too, but he made it. He got through it and and you will too.

Charlie:
18:59

So you know just be encouraged that you’re not alone in this journey. All great men and women of God in scripture went through horrific things difficulties persecution and many of them ultimately were murdered and murdered for their faith.

Jill:
19:17

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Psalm 56 verse eight says, he keeps our tears in his bottle. I learned that scripture a while back and I thought, wow, that is way before we ever went through this with Beau. That is so sweet that the Lord would save our tears.

Jill:
19:40

And boy, once you have walked through what we have all of you bereaved parents, as well as ourselves, you, you really cherish it. Because, you know, God keeps not only track of our sorrows, but he, he collects our tears in his bottle. He has recorded each one in his book. Yeah. That means none of it is dismissed.

Jill:
20:09

He sees every tear that that goes down your cheek or into a tissue or, or falls off of your chin. He sees each one. And he is there to hold you. None of it is wasted. He sees all your pain, your tears, your trauma, your missing, and he sees your hopelessness.

Jill:
20:34

He is there for you. Yes. Walking with you.

Charlie:
20:39

Yes. You know, I remember when the Lord showed me that I was weeping one day outside and it started raining. And, and the Lord said, Charlie, when you weep, I weep. And at first I thought well that’s interesting I don’t know if that’s real scripturally is that correct but then I started studying it out and I remember Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus and he had you know Mary and Martha were weeping and all the Jews were weeping about Lazarus being in the grave. Jesus knew he was going to raise him but at the same time Jesus was human.

Charlie:
21:17

He was man and he was God but he came into human body so he could experience what we experience and he felt that and the Bible says that amazing scripture Jesus wept and he does weep when we weep just like he did there and another scripture in Isaiah says that God suffers when we suffer. And I just want you to know that you’re not alone in your weeping. You’re not alone, not only is he collecting them, but he is weeping with you. He is holding you when you’re weeping. He is with you.

Charlie:
21:52

He never leaves you or forsake you and he suffers and is in pain when you’re in pain. Yeah, if you could get a glimpse of God in that way, not a God that’s up there with his waving his fingers saying you need to get better, need to stop crying because I’m with you. No, he’s holding you saying he’s a shepherd, he’s holding you like a sheep and just saying I’m with you through your tears and I’m collecting them and I’m holding you and I’m gonna help you get better. That’s what he’s saying.

Jill:
22:28

That’s right. Grief is not a disorder. Yeah. It’s not a disease. It’s not a sign of weakness.

Jill:
22:37

But it is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity. And it’s the price that you pay for love. And the only cure for grief is to grieve. Know, people don’t want to grieve, you have to. It’s just something that the Lord gave us like a release for the pressure that builds up on the inside when we experience trauma and loss.

Jill:
23:13

The only way to cure it is to work with it. It’s to grieve.

Charlie:
23:21

Especially men that have just shut their emotions down. I’m not going to let this thing get me. We’ve had people come to us years later after reading our book and say, Thank you. I finally now can mourn and grieve over the loss of my dad or the loss of my mother or the loss of my brother. They said, I held it all these years, but now I’m able to just weep and cry, and I feel so much better.

Charlie:
23:48

I’m feeling a part of me that was clogged and pained is now alive. So there’s something about a healthy morning time, a healthy grieving time that is important for us

Jill:
24:02

to Yes, is. Yeah. That’s right. And the deeper the love, the more you grieve. Yeah.

Jill:
24:10

It just goes hand in hand. And somehow that pain is also the proof that something beautiful existed. Yeah. So your tears are nothing to be ashamed of. But you just let them go when they surface, you let them out.

Jill:
24:29

And it’ll bring release to your soul. And you’ll just feel better eventually.

Charlie:
24:38

That’s right.

Jill:
24:39

That’s right.

Charlie:
24:39

And Jill said this earlier, but I want to emphasize that you’re not your normal. You’re not losing your mind, you’re not doing this wrong. I think we’ve had people call us crying saying, It’s a year after my husband died, I shouldn’t be crying. I know God is good, and I know He loves me, and He’s been helping me, but I just miss Him so bad. And we just say, Cry.

Charlie:
25:00

Cry if you need to. That’s important. You need to grieve your losses. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re not behind.

Charlie:
25:08

There’s no timeline in this grief thing. It takes longer for some people than others. It took a lot longer for us than most people expected. And people don’t really know how long it really took for Jill and I to get through this. And of course, we’re not through it, but to get to the healthier place that we are now.

Charlie:
25:28

So, you know, grief comes in waves, you just gotta ride the wave. It’s not failure, it’s just grief. And it’s okay to embrace this difficult mourning and grieving time. That’s what’s going to help you get through it.

Jill:
25:45

Yeah. Yeah. And it’s so much more than just crying and sadness after facing a loss. Most don’t learn this until they have to walk this road, or walk with a very close friend who’s going through it. But it comes in waves.

Jill:
26:03

And, you know, I shared a story in a recent podcast about it was our son’s birthday, months after he passed away. It was his birthday and, and I went to this women’s conference. And the Lord just surrounded me with this bubble. Just, just, I just, I didn’t feel any grief all weekend long. And I thought I am done grieving.

Jill:
26:33

I am through the grief process. And here we’re just four months in. I mean, that’s what I thought of the inside. I didn’t say it out loud. But boy, after that weekend was over, and I went back home.

Jill:
26:44

Oh, man, it hit me hard. And it was another wave. But it just was part of the journey. And then there are times when it’s calm. And like, like what I experienced during his birthday weekend.

Jill:
27:01

And sometimes it’s overwhelming. You just have to work with it, how it And the Lord will help you. And it’s not like He won’t because this is the path you have to take. The Lord will be there to walk with you through it. And He helps carry our burdens.

Jill:
27:25

So that’s a healthy way to walk through is letting him carry you.

Charlie:
27:29

But

Jill:
27:30

it just is part of what happens. And so you can learn how to ride the wave, or you can learn how to breathe inside the wave. But the Lord is there to help you. You know, I didn’t want to be fixed early on by people. I felt like I didn’t want anyone to take my grief away from me, or to help me stop hurting because it made me feel closer to my son.

Jill:
27:57

It’s like I felt I felt that’s all I had left was when I when I was mourning and grieving. I just felt closer to him.

Charlie:
28:08

Yeah, that’s good.

Jill:
28:09

And so I didn’t want to get over my grieving, because that’s where I could be close to him. And then I would hear people talking about rejoicing, you know, you, you really need to rejoice over this. And I thought, I don’t want to rejoice as an act of my own will, I want to stay close to my son, because that’s all I have left. I felt like it would cut me off from my connection to him. But in the time in time, the Lord in His merciful goodness brought healing to me layer by layer, to where all those thoughts became a non issue.

Jill:
28:51

And He’ll do the same for you. You might feel similar to the way I did that, that you don’t want to not grieve and mourn because you it makes you feel closer to them. But the Lord will bring you to a place as healing comes layer by layer. You will not always feel that way and you’ll become stronger. And it is complicated.

Charlie:
29:15

Yeah, it is and you will get better. Things will change. Your love for him will never change. The memory of your child, I said himher, will never change. The loss will never change.

Charlie:
29:29

But the strength to carry it changes we like we said before seventeen years later we’re so much better and you know we love our family we love our life we love what God is doing and we’re grateful that we’re able to speak into your life and take this for the pain that we’ve been through and to share it with you and to encourage you in your pain to to let you know that that we understand and you know scripture says speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves and I think that’s part of the burden and the healing that we’re getting to enjoy. Someone recently asked us, what do you think Bo’s legacy was? And interestingly, we just thought this through. We’re like, we’ve never been asked that question. But the the birthing of this book, when loss comes close to home, that’s that’s the legacy that we’re leaving for our son.

Charlie:
30:23

And, you know, you may just you may have something that you wanna do for your loss of your child, like Jill said, a bench, some memorial of some sort, whatever it might be, you know, but, but this is the legacy that we’ve left and the ministry. We have a burden in a heart to help people get through this kind of pain. We just want to say thank you for joining us and and we just really pray that that the peace of God and the comfort of the Holy Spirit would would would be with you through this really difficult time. Yeah. Yeah.

Charlie:
31:04

So bless you and and just let your heart be healed by God’s love and God’s peace. In Jesus’ name.

Jill:
31:16

Amen.