Episode 66
Walking Through the Unthinkable (pt. 1)

Jill:
00:09

Welcome to the Finding Hope Podcast y’all. This is Charlie and Jill LeBlanc, and we’re here today to talk about getting through things that we never asked for.

Charlie:
00:19

That’s right. And today we’re gonna do something that we I don’t think we’ve really specifically done, and that is talk about the loss of a child. Now, course, through all of weaving in and out of all of our podcasts and all of our teachings, we talk about our loss, but I’m not going to talk so much about our loss although we will hit on that, but it’s just more ministry to those of you who have lost children. We’ve talked a lot about people who have lost their husbands and their wives. We have so many friends that have experienced that in the last few years.

Charlie:
00:56

It’s just overwhelming really to And be then yet we recently got a phone call just, two days ago from a dear friend of mine. He was weeping and he said, Charlie, I lost my son. And, we know him well. We know his son well. And his son battled brain cancer for, about six months.

Charlie:
01:19

And, and they lost him just this last Saturday, just recently. Our hearts broke and I thought, you know, I want to address this again, even though we’ve addressed it on and off, but I do want to address it here. And, you know, we we this is something that’s not foreign to us of course because after losing Beau at 23 years old you know the pain and the struggle of that is really so fresh still. We were recently looking at an interview we just did, and we’ll be showing that interview called My Story, My Song that’ll be coming up, in a few weeks. But I mean, she asked such pertinent questions about what was it like the moment that he passed?

Charlie:
02:11

And I almost, and I lost it several times because those are hard, hard questions. And those are areas that, to be honest, we avoid thinking about the moment of our son’s death because it’s still very painful. And so I’m trying to keep myself together here. But, even seventeen years later, you know, seventeen and a half years later after losing our son, it’s there are still some very tender moments. But we want to we want to get into all this today And hopefully our prayers to help you in

Jill:
02:49

it. Right. You know, we learned last year that July is Grieving Parents Month. And I had never heard of it before. But once I became a grieving parent, I was like, I’m all about a little bit of awareness for grieving parents, because it’s just a journey that unless you have been on it, you really can’t fathom the depth of it.

Jill:
03:17

As And parents losing a young adult child, we just want to bring awareness because it’s a very awkward journey.

Charlie:
03:24

Yes,

Jill:
03:25

the pain never completely goes away. Although it does change over time. Some have no idea that, that that it’s even a thing. I mean, you know, see someone that has lost a child that maybe you weren’t really close with that, and your heart was touched, and you feel sorry for them. But, but the fact that maybe ten years later or five years later, they’re still dealing with it.

Jill:
03:54

You know, it’s like, it’s just very, very foreign to people that haven’t walked through it.

Charlie:
04:01

Yeah, it’s just not an easy thing to get through.

Jill:
04:03

Well, do you ever get through?

Charlie:
04:06

Right, you never do. Bottom line. And we’ll talk a little bit about that as well. But it’s like, the trauma of the loss of a child. I think about all my friends who have lost children.

Charlie:
04:20

I’m thinking about five or six of them right now that they one of them called me just weeping, weeping Charlie. This was several years ago, like my friend did a couple days ago. Help, help, help. I don’t know what to do. You know, lost my daughter.

Charlie:
04:36

So these things are so hard. I was thinking one day about someone mentioned the word gutted. I think that’s kind of a word that they use in The UK a little more than we use it here. He said, I’m gutted over this situation of a certain loss that we were talking about. And I just thought that’s a good word.

Charlie:
04:57

Guts, you’re just gutted in your heart. You’re just in your guts. You’re just broken. You’re ripped. You’re shattered.

Charlie:
05:04

And I looked it up a little bit more these first synonyms and despair, hopelessness, crushed, smashed, devastated. And and if you’ve lost a child, are saying, amen. You understand that. I mean, you know, if you lost a child in a womb in your womb or or if you lost a child just shortly after birth or even just a few years into it, or even 40, 50, 60 year olds. I mean, are some that have lost 45, 50, 60 year old sons, and it breaks their heart, of course.

Charlie:
05:38

And so, losing a child is just something that’s really hard to put into words just how hard it is. And again, our heart in this is to relate to you, to encourage you, to not fix you, but to just say, we understand, and to just, comfort you with our words of just understanding and identifying with you. One person said, I’m as angry as I’ve ever been, and yet I’m as sad as I’ve ever been. And I thought that was very powerful because really, yes, you’re angry and you’re sad at the same time, and you’re broken, your heart is just totally messed up. And the psalmist put it like this.

Charlie:
06:24

He said, I am in anguish, always in tears. I’m worn out with weeping. I’m becoming old because of grief. My health is broken. And the truth of the matter is, we do have to find a healthy way to get through this really painful thing.

Charlie:
06:42

And by the grace of God, we did eventually get to a better place because if you don’t, it can really destroy you. It can really destroy your health if you’re always in sorrow, always mad, always discouraged. But the good news is that there is hope on the other side of this. Of course we know our loved ones, they have the beautiful hope of heaven and we know that, and yet, but the pain inside of you, I’m trying to say, there’s hope for that, okay? There’s hope for healing of your heart.

Charlie:
07:19

There’s hope to get through the pain of not being able to breathe of not being able to function of being paralyzed you know you will get through this it takes time it takes patience but these things are really hard it’s people say whether you’re just being emotional Charlie no this is physical this is when you lose a child your heart is ripped ripped out and and it’s it’s not just just emotional it’s physical it’s it’s everything in your life shifts when you when you lose a child and, and we just want you to know that we were with you in this journey.

Jill:
08:03

Yes we are because you haven’t just lost a child you’ve lost a whole part of your life. Yeah. Like our son was single And I knew that he would one day marry and have children. I even had a little vision of him with a, with a little three year old girl sitting on his knee. And we were just across from each other talking at the kitchen counter.

Jill:
08:29

And I realized one day, I will never have that in my life because he’s gone. I won’t have his children and, and the so many things, you know, the birthdays, the weddings, you know, like I said, the grandchildren, there’s just so many things we’ll miss out in life. And then just enjoying him, our son, like your child was, he was so special. We just had the best time together. It was so much fun.

Jill:
09:01

And so we miss out on all that now. Yeah. And so it’s, it’s a big deal.

Charlie:
09:09

Yeah, you know, I’ve said this one time when I was preaching, I said when Bo died, a part of me died. And that’s really true. It’s just like there’s a part of you, I mean Bo came out from us prophetically even and he was a part of you and your child is part of you and when you lose it it’s like cutting off a part of your body. A part of you dies, a part of you will never be the same And you know what? That’s not terrible.

Charlie:
09:40

That’s okay. As far as the part of you because you you will get better and you will get healed up and you will see life, through better lenses in the long run. You’ll even see God in a better lens. You’ll understand scripture better. But right now, if you’re dealing with it, trust me, we understand how hard it is to even listen to us, even saying anything positive because we just know how hard it was at first for us.

Charlie:
10:14

We didn’t think we’d make it. We didn’t want to make it. We didn’t want to turn to God. We didn’t want to, you know, we just wanted to run from this whole thing. We wanted to run from this nightmare.

Charlie:
10:27

We thought we just just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and it be gone and and or don’t wake up. Know, that’s how horrifying and horrid it was for us. And I know for any of you who have lost your dear child, our hearts are with you today. God bless you.

Jill:
10:47

There’s a shock that people don’t see. There’s a numbness in the beginning that you you can’t explain, but it’s just a part of you. And no one realizes. And of course, we don’t talk about it because no one would really get it. And, and there’s just so much about functioning that is upside down now.

Jill:
11:12

You don’t sleep, you don’t want to eat, You get lost in trains of thought. You might get lost driving because you’re following a train of thought while you’re driving and you don’t realize where you are. There’s just so many parts in the beginning that most people don’t realize.

Charlie:
11:36

No, they don’t. In fact, I remember a couple years ago, we were being interviewed by a dear friend on his, TV show actually, and, and he knew us real well and he walked with us through our entire journey. But Jill said basically what she just said about how horrifying it was, And he just looked at her and goes, well, I didn’t know that. You know, I didn’t know that you were going through that much, you know, so it’s interesting how we can hide it. And we need to hide it because most people don’t understand because if we don’t, we show them too much of the broken pain and distraughtness that they’re gonna come running to try to fix us.

Charlie:
12:16

So therefore, and we know they can’t fix us. We know only God can heal us. Only God can fix us. And so, you know, we just we hide from that. And you know, Jill was talking about this dysfunction and, some people, you know, call it like you seeing yourself like watching yourself from the outside because you’re just in such shock.

Charlie:
12:42

You know one wise author said it’s like being under an anesthesia is what he said he said I remember thinking that that’s exactly it it’s like it’s like you’re you’re you’re kinda under, and and you really don’t know how to deal with normal life. Your brain is in shock. Your heart is crushed. Now those of you who know Jesus and have been walking with him I know that eventually you’re turning to God and God is helping you and you know some of you have been able to recover quicker than others but, but for those of you who who experience what we experience you know you’re you’re awake but you’re not really fully there is basically what it’s like you’re just you’re just in a very numb state and we just if you’re in that state we just want you to know again we understand and we’re praying for you and our hearts are with you.

Jill:
13:44

Yeah and part of the hard part is people like what you you shared that one example is people think you’re doing better than you really are. And I remember someone saying to me, they prayed for us. And then they said, I think you’re about 75% the way through of the grieving process. And I just looked at him and smiled and said, Thank you. And went away thinking he doesn’t see me when I’m at home or in the car.

Jill:
14:21

No one else is there except the Lord and, and I fall apart and, and he holds me, you know, and so, but, you know, because you’re still breathing and still smiling and, and still showing up and even still laughing. Inside, it might be very different. And so you just become you become, you’re fragmented on the inside and but you’re able to function on different levels. But yet there’s a level that most people don’t see. Because most people who are struggling don’t let it out.

Jill:
15:03

And you are normal. Yes, you are normal.

Charlie:
15:07

Yes, definitely. You know, one thing about losing a child is people expect you to get over it and move on. And this is something that we talk a lot about in our book. I might as well just mention it real quickly. It’s called When Loss Comes Close to Home.

Charlie:
15:23

If you don’t have this, please, you need to get it, and, and it’ll help you going through your loss, and it’ll help your friends. You can get a few extra copies and give it to your friends because half of the book is ministering and talking to people who are friends of those who have lost a child or lost a loved one in general and it’s got a lot of practical lessons on what to say, what not to say. We’re going to be covering a lot of these kind of things, but that brought brings me to this. What I just said, people are expecting you to get over and to move on. I remember people just were looking for the old Charlie and Jill.

Charlie:
16:02

Where’s the old Charlie and Jill? Well, guess what? We’re changed. We’re different. The old Charlie and Jill is gone.

Charlie:
16:10

We’re different. You know, as many of you know, we’ve been in worship and music ministry for over forty years, traveled around the entire world singing and preaching the good news of Jesus. And guess what? We’ll continue to do that. But we have been radically changed as a result of losing our son, Our prayer time, our intimacy with God, our time in the Word of God has been desperate, and it’s gotten us to a place where we had to have God to get through this.

Charlie:
16:43

And that changed us. You know, I got saved at 19 years old and praise God, I was on fire for Jesus and he loved me and filled with the Holy Spirit and Jill and I met and we got married. We started having children and traveling in ministry and everything was great. But I’m telling you what, when you have a tragedy like this, it totally changes your life and it changes your heart. And if you turn your heart in the right direction into God’s love, God’s compassion, God’s comfort, and you let him begin to heal you.

Charlie:
17:15

Like we said, we’re talking from seventeen years, brothers and sisters, so please don’t feel like, you know, if you’re only a year, two or three or four out, five out even listen, it’s a whole different world back then. Back then when we were five years out, four years out, we were so raw. Yes, we were back singing again, and yes, we were out ministering again, but our hearts were weeping so bad, and our two daughters still to this day still struggle with the loss of their brother. But you know, they say get over it and they say And move you know, I got to thinking about that move on. Move on means you leave something or someone behind.

Charlie:
17:57

You know, if I have a bad relationship with a girl when I was a teenager and she said something to me and I said, Well, I don’t like you anymore. I’m moving on. I’m going into another world and I’m thinking, I don’t need her. I’m moving Or you say you have a job and the boss is terrible, and then he fires you and say, Well, fine, I’m moving on. But I’m gonna tell you something.

Charlie:
18:18

You don’t move on when you lose a child. You can’t move on because they were a part of you. They’re still a part of you. I know I said earlier, a part of me died, but a part of me is still, I’m attached to my son. He is my son forever and you never leave him.

Charlie:
18:38

The one beautiful thing a friend of our friend of both said, he said, Charlie, every day, just think of yourself moving more forward toward

Jill:
18:46

one day closer

Charlie:
18:47

to bow, one day closer to heaven and we talk often about worshiping God is the one thing we can still do with bow and and our children. And so, you know, but we don’t we don’t move on in the sense of leaving him behind we take our loved ones with us till till we die and get to see them again and our our hearts are with them their hearts are with us and and it continues so you know this is something that you you just have to really understand that that you will move forward in your life things will get better but you’re not you’re not just gonna get over it and and leave leave him leave your child behind you. You’ll take him with you everywhere you That’s beautiful. Yes.

Jill:
19:37

You learn how to live with something that doesn’t leave you. One woman said, The reality is that we don’t forget. We don’t move on and have closure. Rather, we honor, we remember and incorporate our deceased children and siblings into our lives in a new way. In fact, keeping memories of your loved one alive in your mind and heart is an important part of your healing journey.

Charlie:
20:12

Amen.

Jill:
20:13

We’ve really tried to do that. We get together at least on Beau’s birthday and the anniversary of his passing with our daughters. And of course, we have our family holidays, like everyone does. But we always take time to honor those days in particular. And just remember,

Charlie:
20:35

yes,

Jill:
20:36

because you don’t want to forget. And it helps to be able to do that with someone else that also knew him and treasured him. Yes. And, and maybe you’ve lost a child, and you’re a single parent, maybe and that was your only child and and you don’t have another person to celebrate with. Maybe you have a friend that you feel is safe and you can go out with your friend and just honor your child together with your friend.

Charlie:
21:13

Amen. Honor him. Remember him. You know, don’t be afraid to do that. People think I don’t want to mention your child’s name.

Charlie:
21:22

I don’t want to mention anything about this. No. You mention it. If it’s their birthday, their child’s birthday, you mention it. You know, on Mother’s Day, I put out a post on Mother’s Day recently and I said this is for all the mothers who have just lost a child and this is for all the people who have recently lost their mothers.

Charlie:
21:45

I just think we don’t think about that. We don’t think about all the moms that and fathers that have lost children and Father’s Day is coming up and you’ve got fathers that were super close with their children and they lost them and it hurts. And you know, this is our Father’s Day. I mean, is seventeen years. I’m gonna be fine.

Charlie:
22:07

I’m gonna see my daughter is hopefully my four grandsons and it’s gonna be a nice beautiful day, you know, and I’m gonna I’m gonna think about Bo probably a few times throughout the day, but we won’t be thinking about it constantly. And that’s nothing wrong with that, you know. But, someone said it this way, he said, just learned how to carry or live forward with with the missing. I thought that was very interesting. With the missing.

Charlie:
22:37

Mhmm. You move forward while you’re still missing your loved one. And then another guy said, he said, those who have held, is it those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever. I just thought that’s a beautiful, a beautiful quote that, you know, if you held your child in your arms, he’ll be in your heart forever.

Jill:
23:02

Yeah.

Charlie:
23:03

No doubt about it. Yeah.

Jill:
23:07

You know, people, people don’t like seeing their friend or loved ones suffer. And your, your family, your friends, they don’t like to see you suffer. And so they want to try and help you. And they mean well, with things that they say they really do, but sometimes their words just don’t help. And we experienced that a lot as well.

Jill:
23:35

And we would just smile. And just, you know, say thank you and then move along, or try to change the subject or whatever, depending on the situation, but, but people, you know, they want to help so bad. Yeah. So we just bear with it, you know. There’s a scripture in Proverbs in the Passion Translation Proverbs fourteen ten.

Jill:
24:01

This says, Don’t expect anyone else to fully understand both the bitterness and the joys of all you experience in your life. So, you know, as much as we want people to get it, they don’t always get it.

Charlie:
24:17

And it’s you can’t really get it until you’ve experienced it.

Jill:
24:20

Yeah. Or even just to, we want them to try to understand how we feel and to try to be a better supporter, which again is half of the reason we released this book is to teach people how to be a better supporter. So we pray that your friends get ahold of the book and become a better supporter for you. One bereaved parent said, My child died. I don’t need your advice.

Jill:
24:52

All I need is for you to gently close your mouth. Open wide your heart and walk with me until I can see color again. Wow. That’s really powerful. It’s very, very real.

Jill:
25:10

Yeah. Because when you go in, when you walk through that season of life without your child, it’s almost like you go into a world without color. And it takes time. But thank God, it the color will eventually return.

Charlie:
25:29

I think that’s a really good analogy because that’s really life becomes black and white.

Jill:
25:37

It does.

Charlie:
25:38

And really And gray. A lot of gray. And you’re looking for color. You’re looking for life, you’re looking for joy again, you’re looking for, you know, for things to look better, to look colorful, but it just takes time for those colors to come back. It’s almost like you’ve had an eye injury.

Charlie:
25:59

It just takes time for you to heal and to be able to see life better than you may be seeing it right now. So God bless you. We sure understand that. You know, one author wrote and he said everybody’s trying to give you advice and people try to offer words of consolation. We’ve experienced that so much, which we appreciate people trying to help, but I think we need to learn.

Charlie:
26:28

Like you said, this lady said, close your mouth, you know, and, that’s really a powerful thing. The old preacher says, show up and shut up. Know, that’s pretty tough, but really, there’s wisdom in not saying too much. There’s wisdom in just listening, and you understand. I’m preaching to the choir here, but it’s with there’s wisdom when people just listen to you and they don’t speak so much.

Charlie:
26:56

So, again, we put that in the book and we’re hoping that people will read it so they can learn how to be a better comforter. As Job said, miserable comforters. He calls his friends miserable comforters. And you know, you’ve probably got a lot of friends that are miserable comforters. But, but again, people try, you know, they just they say, you know, I know how you feel, you know, because maybe they lost a dog or maybe they lost their 90 year old father, you know, and and you know, come on.

Charlie:
27:26

There’s a difference. Now, I’m not saying that losing an animal is not traumatic because if you if if you don’t have children and maybe that’s your your lifeline to life and to a family member, I I respect that. I really do. But you know, to say I know how you feel to anyone, even if you kind of do a little bit. I mean, Jill and I have to be careful when someone loses a child, you know, we don’t want to go right and say, yeah, I know what you mean because when I lost Bo, oh my God, blah blah blah blah blah.

Charlie:
27:58

No, because they just need to break and cry and share their pain. Like I said, this friend of mine just called me. I just let him talk, and he talked and talked and talked. And I did a lot of sighing, I did a lot of I’m so sorry, I just did a lot of just, Oh, David, I love you, God bless you, this is hard, stuff like this. And he knew that I understood, that’s why he called me.

Charlie:
28:29

But at the same time, he didn’t want me to start giving a whole repertoire of what I experienced and what I know. He just wanted me to listen. And I know that’s your heart as well. You just want people to listen. And you know, you’ll find those people, Jill and I talk a lot about in the book about safe friends.

Charlie:
28:48

And you know, we’ve got friends that one friend that just recently lost his wife, he’s finding safe places, staying away from those who are always trying to tell him what the scripture says and tell him what’s the right thing to do, and, you know, tell him what not to do, tell him what to do. He says, I’m tired of it. No one knows what I need in my life. He said, you know, God knows, I know, and God will help me get through this. But these people are giving advice that have no clue what they’re talking about because they haven’t lost their wife.

Charlie:
29:18

So this is very healthy stuff, I know you’re feeling the same way when people try to give you advice when they haven’t lost a child.

Jill:
29:29

We have so much more to share.

Charlie:
29:31

Yes, I was gonna say the same thing.

Jill:
29:33

We’re gonna break and make this into two episodes. So we hope that this has helped you as one who has also lost a child or someone very close to you or someone that was like a child to you. A friend of ours lost her niece and she was just like one of her own children. Yes. And so that applies to you as well.

Jill:
29:58

Yes. But we’ll come back next week and talk some more about this. We just pray that this has helped you and just confirmed and affirmed you that you are normal. It’s a hard, hard journey. Yeah.

Jill:
30:16

And we honor you for even listening to this today because it shows that you do want to get help and you need affirmation. You just need to know that you’re not going crazy. So God bless you and stay with us. Check, come back next week and catch the new episode. Yes.

Jill:
30:38

And in the meantime, catch our book, get ahold of it, tell all your friends to get ahold of it and read the second half so that they can be better supporters of your journey.

Charlie:
30:49

Amen.