How to Help Your Grieving Friend: A Few Guidelines To Help Bring Comfort
It is believed Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
We’ve said it before but we must say it again: as you are helping someone who is grieving, please be sensitive, and remember there is a timing involved for things we may want to say to those who are hurting. And, there may be some things we should just never say.
Angela Miller, a bereaved parent and author of You Are the Mother of All Mothers, said: “My child died, I don’t need your advice. All I need is for you to gently close your mouth, open wide your heart and walk with me until I can see color again.”
A good example of this in the Bible is from Job’s story:
When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar. When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights.
This next verse is a very meaningful statement:
No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. (Job 2:11–13 NLT)
In reality, most unexpected losses should leave us speechless. There are just no words for some situations, but there is plenty of room for LOVE! The scripture says that love covers a multitude of sins, and the Lord spoke to me that love also covers a multitude of grief!
Notice however, after Job’s friends sat in silence for seven days, they made the all-too-familiar human mistake, giving wrong advice and all their ideas as to why this happened to Job. His friends started well, but as the Lord pointed out, they ended poorly, making misguided statements regarding their observations:
After the Lord had finished speaking to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite: “I am angry with you and your two friends, for you have not spoken accurately about Me, as My servant Job has.” (Job 42:7 NLT)
Yikes!
As one preacher said rather brashly, “Just show up and shut up.” Yes it’s a little harsh, but no doubt is something to consider!
Solomon wisely wrote:
[There is] a time to be silent and a time to speak. (Ecclesiastes 3:7 NIV)
And this:
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18 NIV)
Some might say that grieving people are self-centered.
Maybe they are, but not selfish. Their world has just collapsed around them. Their heart is completely broken. Their life has just been turned upside down and they are at a loss on what to do.
One author said it this way: “The pronouns of grief: I—Me—My. Do not feel ashamed at constantly referring to yourself.”
Here are some guidelines a friend can do that will help the griever in their time of mourning. (continued below…)
We must be fully present with the bereaved for the compassion of the Lord to flow unhindered from our hearts to theirs.
As we read above, when incomprehensible tragedy struck his life, Job’s friends showed up and just sat with him for seven days. This became the Jewish tradition of “sitting shiva.” Shiva is Hebrew for the number seven, and is standard practice to this day, to come over and “just be there” with those newly bereft, traditionally for seven days. They bring food, offer comfort, cry together, sit and chat, and without realizing it they are being Jesus with skin on!
Never underestimate the power of simply being there. When someone is hurting and enduring extreme hardship, we can become timid and insecure toward them. We wonder, Should I go visit? Will I be a bother? What will I say? But when you are the one hurting, you need safe friends to talk to. Yes, God will be there with His presence and His love, but He uses us. We are His hands, we are His feet, we are His arms that can hug someone when they are hurting.
People need your presence, not your solutions or theology.
There is a time and place for everything, and when someone is grieving deeply, being there for them is huge. Listen and let them bleed as they share their broken hearts and memories. This is part of the process and they need listeners, not instructors. We are sometimes quick to pull out our scriptures and counsel, but then we miss the greater things like love and compassion. Remember, the greatest of these is love.
The apostle Paul put it like this:
When we came into Macedonia, we had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever. (2 Corinthians 7:5–7 NIV)
Notice how the God of All Comfort comforted Paul by Titus’ visit, and God will use you also, as you simply show up and are present.
Along with this, Paul was comforted hearing from Titus that his friends were also thinking about him, as Titus brought condolences from Paul’s other friends. It does help to hear how others are praying, standing with, and hurting with you. It really means a lot! If you’re not able to physically be there with them, definitely text, email or call them, maybe even weekly or monthly, depending upon your relationship.
Even a card sent in the mail, a nice food basket, and sometimes flowers or plants bring a “virtual hug” to your grieving friend. A word of caution—some people become overwhelmed with flowers, as they take up space and need care, so consider each situation before acting and ask the Lord, “What would be the best way to help in this situation?” The mother of some very close friends passed away in their home, and the entire family was there constantly. We prayed about how we could be a support, and ended up having platters of food delivered from a local big box store via a personal delivery service. This turned out to be a major blessing for our friends and their family walking through this new bereavement! It was a way of virtually being there to help them across the miles, without physically being there.
Please do not take the brevity of this section as being any less important, as this lesson is HUGE in being an effective helper to those in mourning.
It’s very important to let those who are grieving express themselves. They just need a safe person to talk with about what happened, how special their loved one was, and “what now?” And possibly many times over.
A friend texted after we spent time with him and his wife not long after their son passed away:
“Thanks Charlie—we so enjoyed being together. And thank you for listening.”
Sometimes, all they need is a listening ear.
We also learned a very important pitfall: when gathering with your newly bereaved friend, it’s important to focus on THEM, and not on our own similar story. Even though some of us can personally identify with loss because we’ve been there, it’s not always the best time to let them know how much we understand. As an example, “O I know what you mean. I felt the same way,” and then one goes off telling their own experience instead of L-I-S-T-E-N-I-N-G. This natural tendency here is to try and encourage a griever by talking about what happened to us and how God helped us; however it isn’t always the right thing to do at that time. But it is time for us to listen and to affirm them.
One blogger said it this way:
We may have experienced very real, similar, painful and difficult things. But in a moment when someone is grieving their own personal loss, one that is theirs and theirs alone, what becomes important is not what WE have gone through. It is being able to focus and be present with what they have gone through.
By remembering how WE felt, we actually become less able to hear honestly how they are feeling. Our brains are now busy thinking about the connections to our own story, or about what we are going to say next to tell them about us.
Let’s learn how to be sensitive to people’s pain. Hold back from saying the obvious and take time to pray, even under your breath about what you might say. Remember the scripture says to “be slow to speak and quick to listen” (James 1:19), and as some have even said, “God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we should be listening much more than talking.”
We encountered so many different kinds of responses after our son passed away. Some people were so compassionate and would share and express their own deep grief and sorrow over his death. Others found it hard to say the right thing, or just shallowly recited the typical, standard responses; and still others did not acknowledge our loss at all. Some wanted to “encourage” us by saying things that were not clearly thought through, and secretly caused us to recoil in self-preservation.
During this season, we came to the point of classifying some people we know as “safe friends.” Safe Friends were the ones we would literally feel safe with and could let down our protective shield for a while. They’re the ones who listened with caring hearts. They let us talk about Beau, about the journey, about our broken hearts, anger and frustration without judging. They were just there for us. They didn’t try to “fix us” and they weren’t afraid to shed tears with us. They showed genuine compassion for our pain, and hurt along with us.
Will you be that kind of friend—a Safe Friend who can listen with true compassion and no judgment? I know it can be hard, especially if you really don’t understand what they’re going through. But please try—try to understand and just be a friend they can lean on and feel free to express themselves, without trying to make it all better. This is so needed in the body of Christ and in the world.
The morning of our son’s passing, one sincere person sat with me and just smiled as I expressed my frustration and pain. I thought it was odd, her smiling as I “bled.” Her lighthearted expression said to me, “Dear One, if you would just look to see what Beau is experiencing right now, you wouldn’t cry, but rejoice.” I understood my friend’s heart, but what she and many don’t understand in these situations is, this did not help.
I remember two years after Beau passed, we were in England leading worship at a large conference, yet we were still hurting so deeply inside. Some dear pastor friends asked us to lunch. We took the chance and accepted their invitation, not knowing for sure if we would feel safe. Thankfully we were seated in a semi-secluded area in the restaurant, and didn’t realize what a blessing that would be!
Charlie remembers it this way:
After we ordered, John looked at me with eyes full of Jesus’ love, and with great compassion asked how I was “really doing.” At that point, the dam burst wide open and I could not stop the torrent of tears as I sat there sobbing across the table.
With tears in their own eyes, John and Susan sat quietly as they just listened to my pain without judgment, and assured me they would stand with us, and even defend us through the whole healing journey.
Someone might say, “What do you mean, ‘defend you’?”
Well, when you are recovering from a debilitating situation in your life, you can bet there are people talking about you and deciphering all you’ve done and are doing which are right and wrong. And, like we’ve mentioned, they are expecting you to “move on.” This is why it is crucial, as we pointed out earlier, to defend and speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.
Even though they may not realize it, a bereaved person very much needs someone to recognize their pain and for it to be acknowledged. If you are able, even briefly, take it upon yourself to try and be a gentle heart, a listening ear, a loving advocate.
Even though you may not completely understand, reach out and affirm them. At the least, let them know you realize their situation is extremely painful, heart-wrenching, and that you can’t imagine being in their place. These words alone can lift up the one suffering, allowing them to come up for a much-needed breath of fresh air and can make an immense difference in their recovery.
The right word spoken at the right time is as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl. (Proverbs 25:11 NCV)
The first time you are actually with the bereaved after their world has turned upside down, without question, acknowledge their loss. Please do not be silent about what has happened—say something. It may make them cry, but these are good tears, cleansing tears. Even if you sent communication following the passing (flowers, a card), and even if it’s been a while a while since the death, do not treat it like the elephant in the room, not wanting to say the obvious. I promise you, they gain affirmation through acknowledgment.
Oddly enough, when you do not say something, it can be very hurtful to the one surviving. So not only does the griever have to work through the pain of their loss, they now wonder, I thought this friend knew what happened. Or, Does she even care how much I’m still hurting? I just want to hear his name mentioned again. Or, Please bring it up! But some people are just uncomfortable saying something, being unsure of the right thing to say, or if anything should even be said.
I like how author T. J. Wray shares a similar situation,
Most people don’t mean to be insensitive; they just operate under the false notion that bringing up our loss only causes us more grief. I’m able to understand such logic now; but in early grief, it’s hurtful when people avoid mentioning something that quite literally occupies nearly every thought. Grief, especially at the beginning, is beneath the surface of nearly everything we say and do. As my sister Robin once said, “I don’t know why people feel like they can’t mention it, since it’s all I think about, anyway.”
Six months after Beau passed, we were so blessed with our first grandchild—a baby boy. Our daughter and then son-in-law honored our departed son by giving him the middle name Beau Charles (Charles is Beau’s middle name). We were so very blessed by that acknowledgment and still are to this day. What a special blessing it was to see our beautiful baby-boy grandson come into the world, even though we were still hurting so badly from our baby boy’s departure.
As it does, news got around to all our friends about the birth of our new grandson. Unfortunately what also got around is, as we heard through the months following, several had said, “Well, that will make everything OK now! Charlie and Jill have a grandson so they will not be hurting as much anymore. This will really help in their healing process!” Noble thought, but unfortunately it’s not quite how this works.
In fact, it became a bit irritating when people would approach us within the months after Beau passed, and do nothing but talk and ask about our new grandson, without mentioning a word about Beau and the pain we were experiencing. It came across to us as if they were trying to distract us from thinking about Beau and open our minds to realize the blessing of having a grandson (and now, grandsons). Like we said, it just does not work this way.
When you lose a loved one you are so close to, you never stop thinking about them, especially in the beginning. Of course, we were blessed and overjoyed that God gave us a beautiful grandson, and he is so special. But neither he nor anyone can take the place of our own son, and he is not supposed to.
When a beautiful new season opens up in the life of someone who has experienced deep loss, please do not try and distract them from their own pain. Again, acknowledge the loss, and let them tell you what a blessing the new development in their life may be. In reality, for our entire family, our new baby was a precious “distraction” and a healing balm to our broken hearts, but not by any sense was he a quick fix for our wounded souls.
If you have enjoyed this excerpt from Chapter 13 of our book When Loss Comes Close to Home and you would like to read more, please click below to order your copy!
