Please keep in mind: The Lord deeply cares for the hurting.
When He saw the vast crowds of people, Jesus’ heart was deeply moved with compassion, because they seemed weary and helpless, like wandering sheep without a shepherd. (Matthew 9:36 TPT)
As the saying goes, “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.” However, instead of judging, show them some love. We should never think someone is less spiritual because they are grieving hard over losing their loved one, or more spiritual because they are seemingly unemotional regarding a loss.
Instead, let’s be like the Lord, Who doesn’t condemn us but cares about our broken souls: “…for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul.” (Psalm 31:7 NLT)
How Do People Carry On?
Where we lived in the early 1980s, there was an awesome, godly, affluent family who appeared as the epitome of a Christ-centered home, with four strapping boys, all of them the picture of godliness—handsome, friendly, respectful, and loving. We met this family and became somewhat acquainted with the boys, as one was a budding musician. And like everyone else, we had really come to admire them—a great example we all aspired to be like.
Their family owned a plane and the two older boys had learned to fly and gotten their pilot’s licenses. They would often take trips up to the high country and back to the valley on weekends. But late one sunny Sunday afternoon, as three of the boys were flying back home, somehow they came in too low and flew into some power lines, causing the plane to crash and killing all three of them.
I remember attending the funeral—we were asked to sing at the service our song, “One with the Lord.” The chorus begins, “O what a joy it is to be one with the Lord.” I recall thinking during the service, How can the parents be smiling and sharing so calmly about their sons… three of their children, who were just tragically killed?!
Since that time I’ve come to believe, during this period following a loss, many times it seems the Lord gently and temporarily anesthetizes our souls, giving us special grace so we can carry on crucial functions like breathing, eating, and sleeping while we deal with the immediate needs of the situation—notifying family and friends, preparing for the memorial service, burial, dealing with the authorities, emergency services, and not to mention any end-of-life documentation (life insurance and the like) to be handled. This was definitely our own experience.
As time went on, after we moved away from the region, we would continue asking about the family. At first they hung in there, staying involved in the church where they attended as before.
Our future trips there weren’t as frequent and we eventually lost touch with the family. I’ve thought of them through the years and recalled this tragedy many times. And up until our own loss, I would think, I’m sure they’re over it by now and moving on.
But now, over fourteen years since our own son died, and knowing the ripping, the crushing, the memories, the missing that never leaves, I know this family has never been the same! How could they be?! Three children died all at the same time and their fourth and youngest is now their only remaining son. Who could survive that? I’m sure they have learned to carry on, but the amputation and reconstruction of their family has changed them forever, inside and out.
During those times, we’re just thankful for God’s strength to carry them, His grace to keep them going, one breath at a time, and mostly for Heaven, that they’ll all be together again one day. But that one day can seem like a L-O-N-G time away, especially in the aftermath of such a horrendous tragedy! (continued below…)
Sometimes It Takes a Miracle
On another note, only God’s incredible, unfathomable grace can heal the heart of one whose accidental actions led to the cutting short of their own loved ones’ lives.
Years ago our friend Carol was driving and fell asleep at the wheel. As a result, her husband and one of their daughters lost their lives that day. She and two other daughters survived the accident physically, but the duress and trauma almost killed her in the aftermath.
However, she has a miraculous story of a supernatural healing, which took place years later, in which the heavy blanket of grief, guilt, and condemnation was completely removed from her soul, and she was instantly freed from this torturing darkness.
We must always give place for the power of God to work in a person’s life, bringing deliverance and freedom. But until this happens, most people will likely need the hands, heart and feet of Jesus (i.e. ours) to help them reach a more functional and healthier place in their lives. (You can read Carol’s entire story in her husband’s book, Living With No Regrets, www.GregFritzMinistries.com.)
The Unthinkable Happens
We have some dear friends in Northern Ireland whose young son was killed while riding his bike and hit by a car. So tragic. This was a couple of years before our loss, and I just couldn’t even comprehend at the time the pain they must be living in.
We were already scheduled to be in the UK just a short time later, and made a special trip over from England simply to spend a little time just being there. I was so nervous to see them, especially our initial encounter. I just didn’t know whether to keep a stiff upper lip and act like all was good, to be somber and tearful (which I was constantly fighting back), or just follow their lead, which is what we chose.
When they arrived at our hotel to pick us up, we were astonished at their demeanor! They were so happy to see us, and God’s amazing grace was all over them. They were joyful and practically glowing with His peace and love.
Shorty after settling into their car en route to a restaurant, we expressed our extreme sorrow and deepest sympathies to them, and how broken we were hearing the news of the accident and Zachary’s death.
Humbly yet with a somber joy mixed with some tears, they shared with us over the course of the evening all they experienced, and the beautiful assurance of Jesus now holding their dear son safely in His big arms. Although it was painful to relive the accident and holding his son’s lifeless body while awaiting emergency services, it was beautiful to experience God’s bountiful grace surrounding and carrying our dear friends during this tender time.
Can the Marriage Survive?
We once met a family whose world was tragically turned upside down through loss.
One afternoon their son was riding in a car with other friends, and they were driving crazy through a large county park with lots of curvy, hilly roads, as teenage boys do. After several thrills and frills, the driver lost control and slammed the car into a tree. Everyone walked away from the scene except for one fatality—the son of our friends.
Fast-forward several years—this couple is no longer together. The pain of the loss destroyed their family. We so understand this now. The aftermath is just so hard!
The evening of our son’s memorial service, a pastor friend pulled us aside and warned us about how hard the enemy of our souls will try and use this loss to place a wedge between us, for the purpose of destroying our marriage. Since this time we’ve heard many different statistics quoted as to “the divorce rate following loss of child,” and most who quote these stats say it is scary high.
Our own research into these figures shows the number is all over the map, even showing many couples grow closer as a result of their tragedy, which thankfully is our story! We took this to heart and became very keen to guard our relationship from the beginning of this journey. So suffice it to say, anything is possible in the aftermath.
It is very important to be sensitive in how any grieving couple is making it through the pain of their loss. Although it was “their” child who passed away, individually they both lost a child—two broken hearts, ripped open and bleeding profusely. Without special support or guidance, especially early on, they could so easily become a statistic.
It could be they secretly blame the other for the outcome and are beginning to harbor bitterness, which then is compounded by their own grief.
They may show up at church smiling, and when you ask how they are, they may say, “Oh fine,” or “I’m okay,” just to skirt the pain of having to talk about it again, along with the issues they are having between each other.
Maybe one doesn’t feel comfortable grieving around their spouse, so they are constantly stuffing their emotions, which then builds up like an underground geyser (which will always make its way to the surface one way or another, and usually when it’s very inconvenient)!
Your mourning friends may need a little help learning how to be sensitive to the other one’s grief journey. So consider this: if you’re the friend of someone grieving, take your friend out to lunch and just listen. He or she may reveal hints that they are struggling in their relationship, and when you’ve learned some tools on helping the grieving, perhaps you’ll be equipped to impart some wisdom. Delicately inquire if you can help in any way. You can tell them some of the things we did (below), including having extreme compassion for each other, recognizing that they both, individually, lost a child.
How We Communicated
The last thing Charlie and I wanted to do was cause each other more pain, pouring even more salt into the cavernous wound. So here is one of the ways we navigated through, especially early on:
We discovered in our immediate family how we all grieved differently—what one person loved brought heartache to another. For example one thing I (Jill) loved, along with our daughter Camille, was looking at photos of Beau growing up and his young adult life, but this was so painful for Charlie and our daughter Cherrie. So we did our best to respect each other in this, and I kept my photo gazing to my private time. This can be frustrating, but as we mentioned before, it’s very important to know your family’s individual “pain thresholds,” as well as your own.
We found each day was different, and learned we had to establish ground rules early on to not offend each other. For instance, some days would find one of us being bitey and short fused toward the other and having a particularly difficult day emotionally. Initially we wouldn’t always comprehend what was going on inside, but finally came to recognize we were grieving! It was grief!! Since we were both in this together, we would communicate our struggle, ask forgiveness and to please not take it personally—it was a “grief attack,” and that we just needed a little more space and grace that day.
This act of love became huge in our recovery and keeping the enemy from getting a wedge between us.
Thankfully, those days are much fewer and much further between; however we still share with each other when difficult days come, and we know this has been a major player in helping us heal, keeping us together and our relationship strong.
I forgive whatever needs to be forgiven … so that satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes. (2 Corinthians 2:10–11 NLT)
We were derailed after losing our son. It took me (Jill) over ten years to even be ready to move forward in ministry again, and only with God’s help and grace. He carried us and walked with us all along the way as we ever-so-slowly recovered to this point. And in His perfect patience, He waited until we were ready to move forward, repairing our broken places and strengthening our foundation, enabling us to step into new phases of our lives and ministry.
So please always keep in mind: Someone who walks through devastating loss is never the same! Even ten, twenty, or more years later. What they’ve walked through has shaped them into who they’ve become. Even if you feel you would walk through a similar situation differently, you must not expect others to do it like you would.
Be prepared to work with them as someone who has gone through an extremely difficult, damaging situation. Your labor in the Lord will not be in vain, and you will become a safe harbor in their healing journey and their survival.
